After this week’s announcement that Seattle libraries across the city would have to significantly reduce their hours, today Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz assured everyone that the reduced access to librarians and life-changing public resources would be easily replaced by officers armed with bookzookas.
“We heard Seattle public libraries were suddenly struggling with funding for some reason a week after we got 23% retroactive raises to Jan. 6, 2021, so we’re generously volunteering some of our own $385 million budget this year to arm officers with bookzookas to help out,” said Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz. “Wanted to check out The Body Keeps Score? Don’t worry: We’ll have an officer not only fire a copy right at you, but increase your body’s score! We’re only here to help—definitely not because we’re obsessed with playing with giant penis-shaped toys well into adulthood.”
Pleased with the amount of hardbacks fired so hard at people’s spines they now move like literal book worms with nothing better to do than read now, the Seattle City Council said it’s already exploring how more officers could help local schools in the same way.
“Our state isn’t as forward thinking as Texas yet when it comes to allowing teachers to have guns in the classroom, so we’re doing the next best thing: Having our trusted SPD officers train teachers to use bookzookas,” said Seattle City Council President Sarah Nelson. “We think it’ll not only increase access to books in schools but also provide valuable protection against potential mass shooters that SPD may not be able to do themselves because they’re busy sweeping a homeless encampment or arresting someone trying to prevent the sweeping of a homeless encampment–or just kinda don’t feel like it.”
At press time, officers were firing several magazines of Cosmo at a group of hot women Downtown who wanted nothing to do with them.
