Despite seeming like nearby rural cities that were both named by a pioneer named Cleetus, a shocking report released today confirms that the communities of Cle Elum and Enumclaw are in fact actually nowhere near each other.
“At first we were certain Cle Elum and Enumclaw were both on I-90, but then one of our researchers said, ‘I think you’re thinking of Ellensburg,’ and then we were like, ‘Ohhhh,’” said the report’s lead investigator, Chris Wilson. “And then we thought for a while Enumclaw still had to be somewhere nearby. But, as it turns out, the degree to which city names sound like a white, suspender-snapping hillbilly’s lazy interpretation of local Native language has no bearing on their physical proximity to each other.”
The findings that Enumclaw is actually at least an hour and a half drive from Cle Elum and is in the same county as Seattle has been a blow to those who have never really taken a hard look at a state map.
“Look, all I know is that when I’m in the middle of nowhere traveling to my favorite hikes off I-90 and the north end of Mount Rainier, seeing city names that start with ‘E’ means it’s time to pee,” said Seattle resident Patty Maynard. “I know that in my bones, but especially my bladder.”
Although the new findings came as a jarring surprise, researchers assured the general public that Buckley is still very close to Bonney Lake.
