In a show of cooperation with federal investigations and lawsuits questioning the safety of its plane assembly line practices and policies, today Boeing announced it would courteously offer to escort all whistleblowers to their depositions and court dates by personal 737 MAX.
“No one’s gonna be talking about how extravagant Taylor Swift’s private jet flights are anymore after we hook you up with a complimentary private 737 MAX flight to every appointment you have to speak with lawyers and FAA officials,” said Boeing spokesman, Joey Hitman, in between munches of cannoli. “That’s how much we value our employees—especially those this dedicated to keeping people across the world safe from deadly and faulty plane design and assembly. We want nothing more than to take you for a little airplane ride for a little talk.”
Boeing said it was also offering them such a generous favor because they just wanted them to be even better “taken care of” than 32-year Boeing veteran and longtime whistleblower John Barnett, who reportedly and tragically died by suicide in a truck in a hotel parking lot over the weekend before he could finish a Boeing lawsuit deposition process in South Carolina.
“So, so tragic—we have no idea how such a thing could happen after days of Boeing lawyers questioning him,” Hitman said. “We just want to make sure all the Boeing engineers—whose values, integrity and work ethic ever made this company worth something—know we definitely value their input and their honesty more than the MBA execs running this company who definitely would never keep on sacrificing hundreds of lives just to keep on making as much money as possible. And, if for some reason one of these 737 MAX models Alaska and United didn’t want anymore happens to suffer an unfortunate quality escape—which they definitely, definitely won’t! because they’re safe now, trust us!—and they happen to get sucked out a door plug hole and end up at the bottom of Puget Sound wearing a cement flotation device, just know we would also find that very, very tragic.”
At press time, Boeing had thoughtfully extended its offer to all FAA investigators and anyone suing them from that Alaska flight from Portland.
