An embarrassing incident unfolded at the University of Washington today after its world-famous cherry trees prematurely blossomed all over the Quad, well before the start of spring.
“It was just so sunny and beautiful today, I couldn’t hold it in anymore! I tried lasting longer by thinking about baseball, but that made me think of spring and then I just blew my Sakura snow all over the Quad,” said one cherry blossom tree, trying to hide its foliage. “Oh great, and as if this couldn’t get any worse, here comes a Photography 101 class. I’m here standing with my metaphorical pants around my roots and now my shame will be plastered all over final projects titled ‘Too Soon to Bloom’ and ‘A Meditation on Reproductive Fragility in Nature.”
UW’s cherry blossom trees typically bloom in late March or early April, but botany student Stephanie Quinn was sympathetic to the trees pollination problems.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about—this sort of thing happens to lots of trees, especially now with climate change. It’s a confusing time in everyone’s life,” said Quinn, reassuring the tree. “With the Earth getting steamier and hotter every year and the skimpy snowpack bearing the mountains in all their glory earlier, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and pollinate too early.”
At press time, one unlucky Subaru owner confirmed that every goddamn one of the blossoms on another cherry tree in the city had also prematurely exploded all over their Outback.
