After being slandered for a week in the media for being nothing but a bunch of promiscuous political players who can’t commit to anyone, tonight the Uncommitted Delegates announced they actually really want to settle down but just haven’t found the right candidate yet.
“Look, I know previous generations were into shot-gun campaigns and arranged nominations to just check that status quo box and get it over with, but I want something more than that,” said one Minnesota Uncommitted Delegate. “I’m waiting for that special someone who shares my values—who wants to do crazy things with me like never ever in any circumstances rationalizing the slaughter of more than 12,000 children. Is that really so much to ask for? Is that really such a crazy thing to ask for? I don’t think so.”
Amongst Uncommitted Delegates’ harshest critics are their own parents.
“They say I’ll never find anyone if I don’t just pick and build an entire future around whoever seems to be in front of me right now, no matter how short that future would end up being with them,” said a Michigan Uncommitted Delegate. “Kinda sad that’s all they want for me. But just because they settled, it doesn’t mean I have to.”
At press time, ABC announced that its Democratic Convention coverage later this year is already set to be re-branded as The Delegette to see who the Uncommitted Delegates end up wanting to give their nominating votes.
