This week Seattle excitedly welcomed the return of the sun, clear skies and warmer weather with a deafening citywide rattling of the first iced lattes residents have had in months.
“I know Seattle usually makes headlines for how loud it gets at football games and Taylor Swift concerts, but honestly nothing is as loud here as the first day of the year everyone orders an iced latte,” screamed Seattle historian Ben Wheaton, over the roar of iced lattes jingling across the city. “Dancing and singing to ‘Shake It Off’ has nothing on how loud it gets when an entire city of people simultaneously shake their iced drinks like they’re fucking maracas—it’s at least 3.0 on the Richter scale.”
Local bird expert Sarah Smith said that while she waits for the volume to go down a bit later in the season to finally hear spring songbirds chirping when warmer temperatures melt the lattes faster, she likes to instead decode what humans are non-verbally communicating through iced latte shaking language.
“I find it’s mostly an expression of joy that it’s finally the season for wearing Birkenstocks without socks,” said Smith, studying a group of women sipping lavender lattes at a local café patio. “But this form of communication also proves how close people are to one another because people who truly know each other seem to be able to communicate through iced latte shakes and swirls alone.”
At press time, some experts said Seattle suburbs were welcoming spring with an even louder rattling of iced-filled Stanley Cups.
