As the first wave of Washington state primary election results came in Tuesday night, it became quickly clear that Natalie’s boyfriend Trevor had already won a decisive victory with an unprecedented number of votes for “Uncommitted.”
“What?!” said Trevor, as Natalie shoved the indisputable evidence of his lack of commitment on her phone into his face. “I swear to God, I have no idea what you’re talking about. How could more than 23,000 people both rat me out and nominate me for president? That makes no sense, Nat!”
A sizable community of both Natalie and Trevor’s friends, family, neighbors, coworkers and a network of thousands of acquaintances begged to differ, though.
“This guy has been waiting forever to propose while making countless online dating profiles and doing who knows what with them for years,” said an anonymous source who knew the couple through someone who gossiped about them a year ago. “She’s reportedly been told to cut him off for years and hasn’t been able to do it, so we’re just trying to help get him out of the picture by nominating him for president. Literally anyone would be better than Biden or Trump anyway, even him. Washington state voters have spoken: They are finally ready for an aloof, forgetful, non-committal man in their lives whose rhetoric changes whenever it’s convenient for him.”
At press time, Trevor was just discovering what a Are We Dating the Same Guy? Facebook group is way too late.
