After generations of Washingtonians looking at him weird, today former U.S. President George Washington broke centuries of silence to say that he actually thinks he looks pretty dumb on their state flag too.
“Look, it wasn’t my idea,” said Washington, the first president of the United States, as he rolled his eyes on the state flag. “I didn’t want to do more than two terms in office even though everyone wanted me to, so, you seriously think I wanted to spend an eternity looking down on a land I never even set foot in? Especially when I’m already on money? I’m just saying, whenever you get jealous of how bangin the state flags for Arizona and Colorado are, don’t blame me – blame yourself for your copying and pasting from some elderly DAR lady a century ago and never doing anything else with it – that’s on you.”
The more Washington thought about it, the more it frustrated him.
“Like, my face is so small on the flag anyway, it sort of seems like you didn’t even want my face on the flag in the first place—when it’s flapping in the wind, you can barely even see it all!” Washington said in a huff. “Just admit you wanted it to be The Mountain on the flag – that’s who you guys have been more in love with this whole time anyway. Why are we forcing this? Go plant your flag with her already!”
At press time, a statement from Rear Admiral Peter Rainier announced he also always thought it was kind of dumb to name The Mountain after him when Tahoma, mother of the waters, already had such a great, gender-accurate name to begin with.
