After months of PETA voicing no support for ending the ruthless killing of more than 20,000 human civilians in Palestine, today the organization suddenly announced its support for a permanent ceasefire after Israel unintentionally convinced them Palestinians were literally nothing but animals.
“At first, we were like, why would we care about more than two million people being trapped in an area they can’t escape as more than 10,000 captive children are killed at random in the most painful and gruesome ways possible?” said prominent PETA spokeswoman Pam Anderson. “But when Israel finally convinced us that Palestinians were actually just a bunch of animals, we were like omg! Now we have to do something.”
PETA has long advocated for animals cruelly stuck in captivity, including Tilikum, an orca the organization named its Animal of the Year in 2016 despite him already having killed three people while coping with decades of extremely punishing and restrictive living conditions.
“Did you know Israel and the United States are testing new military and surveillance weapons on Palestinians in ways that have killed and maimed more than 60,000 in the last two months alone, all while destroying nearly every medical facility that could help them?” Anderson said. “These countries have basically turned Gaza and the West Bank into testing labs for military weapon manufacturers. So, look, if we come down on Clinique for testing makeup on rabbits, we’re also gonna have to come down on the United States and Israel for illegally testing the limits of how much white phosphorous—a substance so hot it can burn flesh down to the bone—they can drop on Palestinians.”
At press time, leading right-wing Israeli government officials decided to give up on reversing PETA’s support for Palestine because emphasizing their humanity too much might make it too clear that slaughtering that many captive people of a particular nationality and race this fast is absolutely, unequivocally genocide.
