Most years, the future-predicting body language of the world’s favorite groundhog says something pretty straightforward every February 2: Are we gonna have six more weeks of winter or not?
It’s less clear what he’s communicating, however, when he rolls out of his lowly hovel Groundhog Day morning with glassy, over-dilated red eyes, apparently stoned out of his mind like he did this morning. Here are a few possibilities though, according to the world’s foremost groundhog whispering experts:
- There isn’t going to be any Queen Anne Sedan Snow Slam this year. Yes, this is even more tragic for rodents that live in small-town Pennsylvania. He’s getting high and watching highlight reels from last year’s to cope.
- He can foresee ocean acidification proliferating at such an exponential rate that he’s decided to drop a little acid himself. Phil’s philosophy is that if you can’t beat climate change, join it.
- His pizza is pretty late. Where is the Doordash driver? The directions to the Groundhog’s place when he ordered a micro-greens veggie pizza last night were pretty clear: Right on Elm, left straight into large elm, door on the back right side of the stump next to giant elm.
- He wants us to know “Burning Man” isn’t a place—it’s a state of mind. It’s one humans should embrace over the next six weeks before rapid climate change also makes it everyone’s inevitable physical state of being.
- There’s still six more weeks until the height of presidential primary season. And that of course means six more weeks everyone needs to stay too high out of their minds to think about how depressing their options are.
- He’s actually just really tired and it was kind of rude of you to wake him up this early. Especially because you know he’s literally a nocturnal animal. Not everyone has to be a morning person, you jerks.
Punxsutawney Phil is truly the prognosticator of prognosticators, even when absolutely blazed. Happy Groundhog’s Day, everybody!
