Today one man received a strong reminder of the importance of holiday spending season after the Ghost of Black Friday Past trampled him and took his TV to show him the true meaning of the year’s most sacred financial holiday.
“My kids were begging me to go Black Friday shopping, and I had just finished saying ‘Bah Humbug, we’re going on a family hike’ when suddenly a ghost sprinted through my front door, trampling me before stealing my TV off the wall!” said Tom Franklin, recalling the encounter. “But as the ghost stepped on my face, he showed me a vision: instead of a Downtown Seattle dying as empty big box stores shuttered their doors with a single tear flowing down my son’s face as his holiday shopping plans were dashed—a 90s Downtown Seattle thriving with stampedes of cold-blooded shoppers amidst the highest crime rates this city ever had! My God, I had forgotten the true meaning of Black Friday! I awoke with a panic, but realized there was still time to cross a Macy’s picket line and assault fellow customers at Target. I announced that the hike would be canceled, but to keep their hiking boots on because we were going trampling for a third microwave—as a family.”
The Ghost of Black Friday Past has reportedly been especially busy this season reminding wayward capitalists of the importance of the all-American shopping holiday.
“Each year more families are shopping online, opting to spend the day after Thanksgiving playing sports or watching movies together instead of violently assaulting their neighbors for a chance at a new TV—don’t they know there’s a mere 30 shopping days left before Christmas?” said the Ghost of Black Friday Past. “Northgate Mall may be a husk of its former glory, but I can still remind these lost souls of the importance of engaging in the most pure expression of capitalism: gladiatorial combat for the right to pay for a discounted item you could buy year round.”
Meanwhile, the Ghost of Black Friday Future carried on showing a bleak vision warning others what could happen if they keep taking even one day off from capitalism or instead celebrate Small Business Saturday: more countless puke-worthy communities vibrantly bustling with real connection, quality products, ethical consumption, and maybe even ceasefires that last more than an American holiday weekend.
