Saying 500,000 years is long enough, Mt. Rainier announced today it’s relocating to the desert Southwest gem of Tucson, Ariz. for the winter.
“I deserve to be happy,” said the mountain during an impassioned news conference. “You guys are out here having the time of your lives skiing and glissading down me while I’m looking down the barrel of being lost in a dark, nine-month fog with no access to Queer Eye, The Great British Bake Off or Invader Zim.”
Governor Jay Inslee has called an emergency session of the legislature to address the issue.
“Climate change, I don’t know how or why, but climate change,” said Inslee. When pressed for details Inslee added, “Climate change.”
The fervent pleas from the community haven’t appeared to have changed the mountain’s mind.
“You can’t see me for three-quarters of the year anyway, so what’s the big deal?” Rainier said. “Winter around here runs from like October to July–that’s a long time to go without seeing the sun, especially when for ages you’ve got ice riding up your crevasse.”
Although the volcano is reportedly packing for Arizona already, at press time, multiple Southwest flights confirmed Mount Rainier was still there.
