Although they ultimately lost out the bidding wars for the most desired baseball player in the world over the weekend to the Los Angeles Dodgers’ history-making $700 million contract, today sources report the Mariners nearly reeled in Shohei Ohtani with an offer of $200k annually plus a lifetime supply of Pike Place Market Fish.
“Yeah, it was actually really close – right down between us and the Dodgers,” an inside Mariners source told The Needling on condition of anonymity. “Sure $200,000 sounds like it’s basically the same salary as an average Amazon software engineer, but when you add in the unlimited Pike Place Market Fish, basically the salary is almost limitless. Ordering a King Salmon and Whole Alaskan King Crab every day for a year alone adds at least $300,000 to the contract, creating a staggering combined value of a half a million dollars. That’s like a seventh of what the CEO of Virgina Mason makes every year!”
When asked if Mariners management regretted selling off several key players earlier this month to create the budgetary flexibility necessary to nab high-caliber talent like Ohtani, the source said that hasn’t been the vibe.
“While the Mariners did not successfully lure Shohei Ohtani to Seattle, the half-assed attempt at acting like they were trying to get Ohtani has been a valuable way to even further increase profit margins for team owners and shareholders—and all while keeping up a tradition of destroying any hope that the Mariners will ever not be the only professional baseball team that’s never played in the World Series,” the source said. “As previously reported, we are still in the running for bringing on Craig Ohtani out of Shoreline if his wife agrees it’s okay for him to come play after work every once in a while. Great player and a great steal too because he’s only asking for a monthly shipment of Pike Place Market Fish smoked salmon, a few signature spice rubs, and some beanie swag.”
At press time, the source said the Mariners were now mainly competing for new talent by offering lifetime supplies of Swedish Fish.
