Frustrated with Amazon workers’ slower productivity after being forced to work in the office again, especially during its busiest time of year, today Amazon announced that beginning next week it would be withholding all bananas until morale improves.
“Shit,” said Dan, a father of 3 who only agreed to come into the office to grab free bananas for his kids’ lunches. “Honestly, the bottomless bananas were the only thing keeping me going at this company. What next? They already cut the types of cereals in the break room that make us feel like five-year-olds from 46 to 14, and two of them are Honey Smacks and Kashi. Now we’re not even good enough for literal monkey food? JFC.”
Despite morale ostensibly only further declining after the company announced it would withhold the sweet crescents of potassium and immediately layoff all Community Banana Stand banistas, Amazon’s C-suite executives remained resolute that the austerity measure would ultimately help its bottom line.
“If you want free Chiquita gold, you’re gonna have to make me some more Amazon gold first,” said CEO Andy Jassy as he finished his fifth banana of the day just because he could. “Look, honestly, even Bezos told me this is too cutthroat, but how else am I going to make a name for myself? I’ve been CEO for two years and most people don’t even know who I am yet. I have to make a mark somehow. If it isn’t this, it’s definitely gonna be the day I replace all these workers with robotic bananas. Not only will they be more efficient than humans, but they won’t even ask for bananas to eat, just humans.”
At press time, Andy’s plan seemed to be working as thousands of human Amazon workers began filling their workspaces with countless bottles of liquid gold.
