After years of arduous exploration, today Seattle resident Nolan Rice became the first person in history to exit the Capitol Hill Light Rail Station exactly where they intended.
“This makes the European discovery of the Strait of Juan de Fuca look like child’s play,” said Sound Transit spokesman Grace Brey. “We had every confidence that some day one of the thousands of people making the smart decision every day to take public transit to Capitol Hill instead of driving would find the exit they were looking for without getting lost walking in the wrong direction for at least a half hour before finding where they meant to go. The exit this noble explorer has found shall heretofore be renamed the Nolan Northwest Passage Exit.”
Nolan said the discovery of the exit he wanted to emerge from was a long time coming.
“I had long heard tales of what I began to think were just the fabled Crossed Pinkies of Capitol Hill near the station exit at Broadway and John,” said Rice, who’s been circumnavigating the station in what often felt like a futile search for the right exit since it first opened in 2016. “Despite my best attempts at memorized cartography of this mysterious underground landscape, for seven straight years I washed up helplessly to the surface facing Nagle Place and Cal Anderson Park—completely lost and texting desperately for rescue. But not this time, baby! I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but after several turns, a strange hallway appeared out of nowhere, and I decided to take a chance and see where it led. Never again will an invite to Taco Chukis end up with me wondering where everyone is at Pony.”
At press time, Sound Transit confirmed that the discoveries of intended exits at Westlake station are still yet to be made.
