Today local homeowner Terry Wilson made it clear that he demands proper recognition as an American veteran for his years of living through the notorious war zone that is Seattle’s Ballard neighborhood.
“You have no idea what I’ve been through—the homelessness I’ve seen just blocks from my multi-million-dollar home,” said Wilson, scarfing down the free Wendy’s Veteran’s Day combo he swore he was qualified for by flashing his house deed. “Every day I wonder, is this the day I’m going to see a homeless person’s RV on 8th Ave NW and spontaneously combust into a bloody vapor? And yet, somehow, I bravely soldier on to get my free coffee at Starbucks.”
Although technically still serving active duty as a besieged homeowner in the neighborhood, Wilson said he would gladly embrace and/or demand Veteran’s Day freebees all weekend long.
“No, I’ve never served overseas, but every day here on the homefront, I fight to turn this neighborhood into an unofficial country club that’s completely protected from knowing poor people even exist—or at least a pickleball court club like Interbay’s doing to boot out its homeless community soon,” Wilson said, taking a long drag of his free iced PSL coffee as he stepped over an actual military veteran sleeping on the sidewalk. “It’s my dream and my mission that, one shining day, Ballard will be as insulated from reality and dead inside as Laurelhurst.”
As of press time, a GoFundMe page started by Wilson’s neighbors to “airlift and drop his ass into Gaza with no ID papers” had raised $13,000.
