An international incident is brewing south of Seattle today after an impromptu pilgrimage to the Kent Street Races over the weekend resulted in Pope Francis losing his prized Popemobile after racing it for pink slips.
“We try to keep it quiet, but it’s an open secret around the Vatican that Pope Francis likes to live his life a quarter-sacrament at a time,” said Cardinal Francesco Bianci, calling an Uber for the Pope and his entourage. “Usually it’s just harmless fun—when a new Fast and Furious movie comes out, we swap out the communion wine for Corona, call him Pope Diesel for a while, let him drift around the Via della Conciliazione. But every once in a while he takes it too far and loses another Popemobile.”
Eyewitnesses reported a despondent Pope moping around wearing a white tank top and a crucifix necklace, while his victorious opponent celebrated his victory.
“Every holy roller knows, it doesn’t matter if you win by a cubit or a mile—winning is winning,” said Dillon Carmine, doing donuts in his newly-acquired Popemobile. “The Pope thought he had me? The Pope never had me, granny shiftin’ the Popemobile, not double clutchin’ like you should. It doesn’t matter how much Holy NOS you strap to your glorified golf cart, if you don’t know how to handle your ride, you’re gonna lose.”
His Holiness was last seen laying low at a nearby Denny’s after the cops showed up to break up the street races.
