Despite high hopes for consecutive years in the playoffs, the Seattle Mariners confirmed Saturday night they would not be making the MLB post-season this year due to retail shoplifting, the JumpStart Tax and public misdemeanor drug use.
“There was so much going for this season—so many grand salamis, so much trident hoisting. We led the AL West just a month ago!” said Mariners Manager Scott Servais, shaking his head at the post-game press conference. “Unfortunately, you won’t be seeing us in the playoffs again this year because someone had to oppress a bunch of billion-dollar corporations with a stupid lib-tax to fund affordable housing projects. Homeless people stealing $4 body-soap bottles just made it even harder for us to do what we came here to do. Add in someone without any access to drug rehabilitation, mental health, or shelter services shooting up in a stairwell near T-Mobile Park, and we were finished.”
Servais also implied that just the idea of defunding the police–even though it’s never actually happened–was an extra, unnecessary hurdle to getting in this year’s playoffs.
“We’ll never know what would have happened if a sociopathic police officers guild’s idea of a fully-funded Seattle police force could have led to the arrests and jailing of Justin Verlander, Yordan Alvarez and Adolis Garcia before they ruined this season for us,” Servais said. “Guess we’ll have to just come back here and try to fight for a successful season next year only using our brains, talent and giant piles of money all over again.”
Asked at the press conference why he wasn’t able to carry his team a third night in a row, JP Crawford said he couldn’t because when he tried to replace a busted backpack quickly before the game, the U-District Target he swung by didn’t have any.
