Bad news hit Seattle today when it learned two locations of a corporate chain that were always both more expensive and a pain-in-the-ass to shop at in Ballard and U-District will be shutting down due to safety concerns alone.
“Oh my God—no, the Ballard one’s closing? It had so much going for it: None of the local business charm or quality products of the Town & Country Ballard Market just north of it and also none of the free parking and cheaper prices of the Safeway and Walgreens just south of it,” said two-times-max customer of the location Ben Howard. “It’s just a damn shame that a bunch of homeless miscreants routinely stealing hygiene products put this poor, small store backed by a $60 billion-dollar corporation out of business.”
As much as they lamented having to shut down the two Seattle locations, the company said they had to and definitely only because of safety concerns and nothing else.
“If it weren’t for Seattle refusing to fully fund an entire police precinct in our store to prevent any theft from happening at our store ever, keeping open a store that almost never had the thing customers were looking for in it might have been able to pencil out,” said CEO Brian Cornell. “With the exception of every other business and giant new apartment building thriving all around us, it’s just impossible to run a business in this location.”
At press time, an overpriced, union-busting corporate café with no unburned coffee that’s consumable without heavy loads of added syrup reportedly said it would also be shutting down more Seattle locations soon, also due to only safety concerns and nothing else.
