While somewhat thankful the entire city instantly believed him when he said that reports he hired a romantic affair partner to be a close coworker were false, today Seattle Police Department Chief Adrian Diaz informed the entire city that it was really kinda unnecessarily rude to believe him that fast.
“No one ever believes me when I say we’ve reformed our department and that we’re going to hold our most sociopathic officers accountable for their actions—but you instantly believe me when I say I’m a ‘family man’ who absolutely didn’t abuse my power to put my completely unqualified side-chick on payroll? WTF, guys …,” said a tearful Chief Diaz in a press conference today. “I’ll have you know the news outlet that broke that apocryphal story, KUOW, is actually usually a pretty credible source with incredibly experienced reporters dedicated to public service journalism. And y’all couldn’t even speculate about what a predictably corrupt law enforcement leader I am for a week? Cold, dudes, cold …”
Particularly offensive, he said, was that no one seemed to even be swayed by the reported discovery that he appointed the woman to an “officer recruiter” role without listing the job for anyone else to apply for it, especially since she had zero experience in recruiting, management, civil service, or policing.
“Really? Y’all are gonna hear the only reason I appointed her is ‘I think she has good instincts’ and not even follow-up with questions about what kind of good instincts I think she has?” Chief Diaz asked before shaking his downcast head at the press conference podium and running away to cry in a bathroom.
Asked for comment later on what he’s going to do about officers involved in killing Jaahnavi Kandula and talking about her death in an extremely dehumanizing way, Chief Diaz said that will have to wait because he’s busy with an incredibly essential internal investigation of SPD employees he thinks may be spreading rumors about his taxpayer-bankrolled, on-the-clock love affair that, again, totally isn’t actually happening at all.
