Years of quiet patience finally ran out today at Seattle Aquarium’s touch tidepool where starfish, anemones, sea cucumbers and many others came together to ask everyone’s grubby paws to, for the love of God and all that is holy, grant them sweet mercy.
“I know we are set out here as the chosen martyrs for the rest of our species who get to happily live out in the wild—at least in every season except summer,” said tidepool spokesman Dayman Starfish. “But after a long summer of being poked in the eyes about 30 times a day, Timmy chasing his sister with Earl the Urchin this morning was the last straw. Sweet Jesus, please let my tidepool go. Or, if you’re going to keep touching us, would it kill you guys to learn a few shiatsu massage techniques or something?”
Reached for comment, Seattle Aquarium wasn’t sure if they could do much for the tidepool creatures.
“Best we can offer is more octopus feeding times to detract from the tidepools,” said aquarium spokesperson Laura Vorhees. “I suppose we could throw in more seal and otter feedings as well, given the understanding that often what we’ll be feeding them are the tidepool residents themselves, especially their delicious sea urchins.”
At press time, tidepool residents had reportedly agreed to the deal saying they thought the urchins had always been too prickly to them anyway.
