Several sources are reporting that a local idiot allegedly drove and walked straight past no less than three million free ripe blackberries growing literally everywhere in Seattle today and instead bought some at the store.
“She has actual dark purple stains all over her sleeves from all the free blackberries she’s brushed up against and not picked, and she still went into the store and bought an $11 pint of them,” said one astonished anonymous witness, shaking her head. “People these days—I’ll bet she buys her own dandelion, stinging nettle, spruce tips, and edible flowers too. Can you imagine?”
Reached for comment at home, where blackberry-laden bushes bulged into her own backyard from all sides, the idiot defended her choices.
“Look, I hear those ravenous, out-of-control bushes eat people sometimes,” said the idiot who actually believed that story The Needling posted last week. “Besides, I just wanted the nice, clean kind they have at the store that you can always trust will mold over within 24 hours of purchase.”
At press time, countless smarter, happy, purple-tongued people in Seattle were covered in thorns.
