Seattle’s elite are rejoicing today after the installation of new public fixtures with stylized geometric details designed to ward off people have signaled that the city’s hostile anti-homeless architecture is finally entering its Art Deco phase.
“The craftsmanship on this new Art Deco-inspired bench is just exquisite, and the jagged ornamentation on it that makes it nearly impossible to sit on is a joy to behold without sacrificing any of the necessary human discomfort that capitalism demands,” said cultural critic Bellamy St. Croix, raving about the newly installed fixtures. “For decades anti-homeless architecture languished in a boorish period filled with dual purpose Gothic Revival-style spikes meant to ward off birds and homeless people alike. And Sara Nelson’s Fremont Brewing Brutalist concrete block architecture all over the street? Ugh, don’t get me started. I’m glad the city finally realized that just because something is meant to make homeless people miserable, doesn’t mean the city’s elite have to suffer while looking at it.”
The new Art Deco public spaces were designed as part of the new Downtown Is You revitalization campaign, where the new modernist take on its public spaces sought to exhibit a veneer of luxury, glamor, and progress just long enough to trick workers to come back into the office.
“This new Art Deco anti-homeless design philosophy is truly a revelation—after all, why should we have to endure looking at Cubist concrete slabs when glamorous marble is just as cold and uncomfortable for people to lay on?” said city official Graham Philbin. “That’s why I believe that this investment into the beautification of our city truly encapsulates our mission statement: that all people are welcome Downtown—as long as you have money to spend.”
Meanwhile Mercer Island has announced its own campaign, Mercer Island is Not For You, after barricading the entire island with gold leaf-flecked razor wire.
