In an unprecedented economic catastrophe for the Eastside, this week Bellevue reached a staggering 100 percent unemployment rate after Microsoft announced layoffs of 5 percent of its workforce.
“Literal tumbleweeds are already blowing through The Bravern right now – this city is fucked,” said Bellevue Mayor Lynne Robinson and last known employed person in the city as she packed up her home to flee the city forever. “Not a soul is walking around Downtown Bellevue, so it feels like a total ghost-town already. I mean, I know it kinda already felt like that before, but it just feels 10 times as creepy when even Din Tai Fung is empty.”
Economist Larry Walters said the significant impact one round of tech layoffs is having on one city—especially one next door to Seattle as it becomes the fastest-growing city in the nation—has a lot to do with why anyone lives in Bellevue in the first place.
“Working at Microsoft is actually the only known reason anyone voluntarily still lives here,” Walters said. “Sure, the Botanical Garden is nice. But, really, the only thing this city’s had going for it the last 40 years is that it’s close to Redmond and also not Redmond.”
As Bellevue residents struggle to find new work and develop new professional skills, numerous former Microsoft employees are reportedly now trying their hand at tie-dyeing, knitting sweaters for their Teslas, and satire writing.
