Today Seattle baseball fans say they’re doing their best to once again overcome a familiar sense of disappointment after learning that the only Mariner who made it onto the roster for the T-Mobile Park-hosted 2023 MLB All-Star Game next month was Mariner Moose.
“As embarrassing as it is that only one Mariner made the cut during a year our team’s stadium is hosting this event—even more so than losing a series to the last-place Nationals—I’m hoping I can at least make the most of it by taking a picture with the Moose while wearing my $200 All-Star jersey in my $500 seat in the nosebleeds with my $20 beer,” said longtime Mariners superfan Mike Hauser. “Maybe THIS is the year ownership will take all my hard-earned cash and finally invest enough of it in the offense by Seattle’s next All-Star Game in 2046.”
While fans were saddened by the team’s season-long struggles extending to the All-Star break, team CEO John Stanton assured that the investments made outside the team were well worth it.
“I reject the accusations that we didn’t invest in the product on the field—I’ll have you know we re-upholstered the Moose and added a fresh Starbucks logo to the outfield,” said John Stanton, relisting All-Star Game tickets on SeatGeek. “Besides, with the investments we made turning the old Pyramid Brewery into Hatback Bar & Grille, fans will be so drunk they won’t even notice what happens on the field. And look at the bright side—at least Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani can’t hurt us in the All-Star game.”
Stanton later announced the team would be hanging a new banner in the outfield that reads “$88 Million in Profits in 2022.”
Image: “The Mariner Moose, mascot of the Seattle Mariners” by Cacophony CC BY-SA 3.0
