People were left confused and mostly hungry after listening to Piroshky Piroshky owner Olga Sagan’s latest Seattle City Council candidacy stump speech, which included no less than 14 bewildering and drool-worthy mentions of “flaky crust.”
“We must protect the upper flaky crust—the most important, rich, and buttery of the flaky crusts—at all costs,” said Sagan as she demonstrated the horror that befalls piroshkies if not delicately handled. “You see how this piroshky’s flaky crust is falling to pieces of small crumbs, destroying my beautiful blazer?! That is what will happen if we don’t protect and value all crusts, but especially the upper flaky crust of our new Orange Cream Piroshky available now through June 30.”
While her speech highlighted several initiatives to bring tourism and business back to the city’s downtown core, most reporters were left puzzled as she seemingly kept using the press conference to simultaneously promote far-right public safety strategies and new menu items.
“At first I wasn’t convinced her platform was different from any other small business owner trying to change things with only their interests in mind,” said one reporter for The Stranger. “But, I gotta say, the buy-one-get-one-free coupon on the back of her candidacy flyer is pretty compelling.”
When pressed by a hard-hitting South Seattle Emerald reporter about what news media outlets inform her public policy platform positions, Sagan could only muster “Flaky Crust Komo Salmon Piroshkies—all of them, any of them.”
Sagan is hoping to keep her budding campaign momentum going with her next rally, which is scheduled to take place in the food court plaza of the Century Square building on 3rd and Pike—right next to a Piroshky Piroshky bakery.
