Although Washington state legislators recently scrapped a plan to join California, Colorado, Minnesota, and Maine in offering universal free school lunches to all children, today they are celebrating passage of a pared-down version of the bill that encourages children living in poverty to instead forage their own free lunches at recess time.
“Unfortunately, we couldn’t find the budget to teach any of these foraging skills either, but there’s lots of good stuff on YouTube,” said House Speaker Laurie Jinkins (D-Tacoma). “Hold on—Parker, put that squirrel down! Those are friends, not food! Why don’t you try some of those mushrooms growing under the bleachers if you’re hungry? Or dandelions! So much good nutrition in dandelions minus the weedkiller spray.”
Jinkins said she would have loved to pass a universal free lunch program this year, but it would have cost about $96 million, or an entire third of what Jeff Bezos makes in a single day. Despite Democrats having a clear majority in both the Washington state House and Senate, she said she was confident there was probably still some way to blame failure of the full free lunch plan on some hick Republican politician.
“These kids are so soft today—I did plenty of foraging when I was a kid and I turned out great! Paste, mudpies, you couldn’t keep anything out of my mouth in school,” said one Washington lawmaker that wished to remain anonymous about their voting record. “If these kids work hard, ignore their hunger pangs, and get good grades, they too can become a politician and strip down bills that would have ensured children get to eat food!”
To aid with the children’s foraging efforts, educational episodes of Bill Nye in science class will now be replaced with clips from “Running Wild with Bear Grylls.”
