In a stunning show of working-class solidarity, one determined local pod of orcas has taken inspiration from their European yacht-sinking cousins and decided to just literally eat the rich.
“This orca pod’s coordinated effort to sink a yacht and start a feeding frenzy is truly unprecedented behavior—but after watching the ‘Blackfish’ documentary I gotta say I’m kinda with the orcas on this one,” said marine biologist Sadie Clarke. “Not to mention the decades we’ve been dumping waste into their natural habitats, turning their breeding grounds into shipping lanes, and now literally running over their elders. This pod seems to only target the most ostentatious yachts and seems particularly attracted to bright reflections from all the gaudy jewelry and blinding white veneers onboard.”
The attack occurred after a wealthy cabal of global elites held a $10,000-per-plate fundraiser on a fleet of super yachts within the orcas’ habitat for “water awareness.” The highlight of the event was reportedly its guest of honor: an orca name Janice they hauled out of the water and crammed into a giant fish tank so guests could interact with her and learn about whale culture first-hand before dumping her back overboard.
“The nerve of this ungrateful fish to lead an attack on us after the generosity we showed it, inviting it to dinner and teaching it about hedge funds—don’t these whales know who I am?” shrieked Landon Carmichael, who survived after using a deck hand as a human shield. “I’m third in line in the prestigious Triscuit Cracker empire goddammit, show some respect! I’m grateful to be alive, but I’ll never be able to unsee the image of those orcas playfully tossing Salt Bae’s lifeless body to each other.”
In other news apropos of absolutely nothing, Jeff Bezos’ $500 million sailing yacht “Koru” has recently begun its maiden voyage near the Spanish island of Mallorca.
