In an effort to reach the elusive pinnacle of collective harmony and union he’s promised the city ever since running for office, today Mayor Bruce Harrell urged everyone participating in his One Seattle Day of Service to climax at the same exact time.
“It’s time to cum together as a city,” said Mayor Harrell. “I know deep down we all love each other already and you can see it in all the people beautifying streets, tending gardens, and painting murals today. But how do we really know we love each other enough as One Seattle if we haven’t even climaxed at the same time together? Today, by my executive order, we change that at precisely 3:30 p.m. Pacific. Think of whatever does it for you: head tax, the Sonics coming back, or a threesome with Carmen Best and Brandi Kruse on Blue Line Flag sheets. Whatever it is, just know that as your mayor and former quarterback, I’ll always have your back to blow a hot load of love and oneness onto.”
Reached for comment, a Mayor’s Office spokesperson could not confirm several reports that Harrell is secretly hoping most people can reach climax by thinking of him alone.
“I can say that in order to increase participation, every person in Seattle should have already received a shirtless picture of Harrell and a video of him benching 225 pounds on the press bench to get in the mood,” said Mayor’s Office spokesperson Nolan Miller. “For those who suffer from premature ejaculation, the administration has also distributed pictures of current mayor staffer and former councilmember Tim Burgess.”
For those who need additional assistance, Miller said countless trained staff volunteers from the Mayor’s Office including himself are available today to show anyone how to just enthusiastically fake it.
