As countless Mother’s Day visits inevitably turn to the subject of grandkids today, one local mom turned to more unconventional methods to gather intelligence on the timeline of her son’s procreation.
“According to my dossier, you and Katie have been dating for 13 months, nine days, and four hours now—sounds like things are getting serious, so you can answer this question for me the easy way or the hard way: When are you going to bless me with grandkids?” said local mom Molly Temple, maintaining eye contact with her son while sparking jumper cables from the kitchen. “That’s right—a little birdie from MI6 told me you two took a romantic trip to the coast last week! I’ll just go ahead and preemptively clear my calendar nine months from now and be disappointed if my intel is wrong. Oh, can I get you anything before you go? Coffee? Tea? A pregnancy test and an aphrodisiac for the road?”
While Molly pulled out all the stops to gather intel, her son was less than thrilled at the pressure put on his promising relationship.
“I love my Mom, but every Mother’s Day she does this—last year she blacked out all the windows and we ate dinner on a cold, metal table in the living room with a floodlight shining into my eyes,” said John Temple, throwing away a baby propaganda leaflet that was dropped from a drone onto his lawn. “Not to mention the suspicious unmarked minivan that’s been parked across the street for two weeks. And I really wish she’d stop using the fingerprints from the wine glasses to run background checks on all my girlfriends.”
Meanwhile, in households across the Pacific Northwest, the war between the “Proud GrandPawRent” and “Dog’s don’t count as grandkids” camps raged on.
