Thousands of people across Seattle are reporting that what at first seemed the most beautiful, picture-perfect day to read a book outside is actually too bright a day to read a single word without burning out an eye socket outside.
“We know after setting up the hammock, lounge-chair, or blanket over a glowing green lawn with a lemonade or iced lavender latte at your side that people have a lot invested in this idea that this is all the magic they need to finally read and maybe even finish a book this year outside of the dark, depressing winter hovels they call homes,” said Public Health spokesperson Heather Bridge. “We just want people to know it’s not too late to admit you’ve made a horrible mistake, keep your eyesight, and avoid a whole Raiders of the Lost Ark face-melt situation.”
For many, the Public Health warning came too late, though.
“Look, I prepared a whole picnic bag and day at the park to finally read this copy of Eat Pray Love I bought more than a decade ago and nothing’s going to stop me,” said Lindsay Marsh as she planted herself down in full sun. “I can totally read one sentence, close my eyes for five minutes, rinse-repeat, then, before you know it, I’ll have read an entire page in just an hour.”
At press time, Marsh had safely reduced her plans for reading outside today to only taking a picture for Instagram that made it look like she actually read outside.
