Celebrating its 50th year of refusing to attend a Seattle music festival named after an old-timey word for “umbrella,” today the PNW’s most die-hard anti-umbrella activists announced the lineup for this year’s Bumbershoot Boycott.
“Guys, it’s good to be back and, once again, this year’s Bumbershoot lineup has got nothing on ours with headlining performers like GORE-TEX, Arc’teryx, REI XeroDryGTX, The xx, Charli XCX and Skrillex,” said Bumbershoot-Boycott festival organizer Ryan Cloud. “I’m not actually sure if those last three ones are musical artists or kinds of water-repellant jackets, but it should be a good show either way.”
With a history that stretches all the way back to boycotting the first Bumbershoot music festival in 1971, boycott organizers say that for five decades now their event has been the only way for anyone to prove they’re a real Seattleite.
“Nothing shows you’re really from this city like refusing to use an umbrella, even if it means you get either soaking wet or third-degree sunburns,” Cloud said, as he squeezed his jacket’s hoodie in today’s rain so tightly around his head only his mouth was visible. “There’s a lot of other fun exhibits at this year’s festival too for real Seattleites only, including a local-name spelling bee with no prizes, just people getting carted away on stretchers if they say ‘Pike’s Place,’‘Nordstrom’s’ or ‘Cap Hill.’”
At press time, organizers urged the public to buy their tickets asap before they’re all bought up by the Seattle Police Department.
