Today Washington State Parks in collaboration with the Department of Natural Resources announced they had to stage an intervention for beloved fire prevention spokesman Smokey Bear after multiple sightings of his new poster warning “Only You Can Get Me Some More Cocaine.”
“We just want Smokey to know we love him, we’re worried about him, and we want to get him all the help he needs,” said Park Ranger Gale Henderson while throwing a bandolier belt of tranquilizer darts over her shoulder and across her chest like Rambo. “It’s time for him to learn that it takes a loving, supportive community to overcome addiction.”
Smokey had also posted multiple videos that have since been taken down making similar requests to that on the poster.
“Look, all this shit I found at Mount Rainier yesterday turned out to be ash and all of my friends have gone to rehab and started having babies with Olivia Munn—now only you can help me get some more cocaine,” said Smokey in one of the videos with eyes that were clearly red, jaundiced and dilated.
“Not even the feds are helping since the Trumps left office. My hibernation stash is officially all gone. So, after all I’ve done for you, the least you could do is find me at least a brick. Next time you hike or camp, just pack it in and leave it out—thanks.”
At press time, Smokey had reportedly been found and agreed to go to rehab willingly after being promised at least one lunch date with Munn.
