Fat Tuesday’s cold February weather forced dozens of Seattle Mardi Gras revelers to settle for only flashing their Arc-teryx mid and base layers at each other.
“It’s like 35 degrees out, you think I’m actually gonna show any skin tonight? Best everyone is getting is a quick flash of my perky Thorium puffer vest,” said Brittany Wilson, opening her Goretex mountain shell to a crowd of rowdy onlookers. “Besides, these tech bros are only throwing beaded Amazon badge lanyards at me—gonna take a lot more than that for me to risk frostbite.”
Shedding further layers of clothes was deemed too unsafe earlier in the day when one local woman’s full-frontal flash turned tragic after her glacier-hard nips stabbed one partier’s eyes out.
“The last thing I can remember seeing was a flash of pink and then everything went black,” said Mardis Gras celebrant Cory Stone, sitting in the back of an ambulance with bandages wrapped over his eyes. “They’re not sure if I’ll ever regain my sight—totally worth it bro, let’s go!”
Meanwhile emergency lines have been flooded with calls from drunk men frantically calling 911 to report that their penis has gone missing while peeing on the icy streets.
