The Presidents’ Day spirit was alive and well today as all six living U.S. presidents gathered together at a secure location this afternoon to celebrate the holiday with their annual white elephant classified document exchange.
“I swear to God if Jimmy just brought another copy of a letter to a family being gifted a Habitat for Humanity house typed up on some leftover Oval Office stationary, I’m gonna be pissed—we all know he’s got better ‘classifieds’ than that hidden in some drywall insulation somewhere,” said President George W. Bush with a chuckle as President Barack Obama set up a Google hangout for President Jimmy Carter to call in virtually from hospice and President Joe Biden from Ukraine. “Pretty sure the luckiest sumbitch here today is whoever gets my classified docs graphicly detailing just how much of that hunting-trip birdshot had to be removed from Dick Cheney’s nipples alone.”
Carefully avoiding the one classified document gift covered in Cheeto-dust fingerprints, President Bill Clinton reportedly chose his gift first.
“Come on, Barack, tell me there’s at least one sex scandal from your administration in here, it’s not fair,” said President Clinton, sighing with disappointment as he saw which gift he got. “This is literally just a print-out of DMs between Obama and Biden giggling at how much Sen. Mitch McConnell’s throat pouch was quivering the day the Affordable Care Act passed. Man, I don’t care which one of you wrapped this humble brag, fuck both of you.”
After President Donald Trump grabbed his own present, ate it, then hid in the bathroom, the rest of the presidents took their turns selecting, unwrapping and stealing classified documents about Area 51, JFK and other secret topics from each other until President Carter said he was content to keep a classified document gift confirming and detailing the extent to which he definitely wasn’t the only one there who’d completely fucked up Afghanistan.
