A recent scientific report confirming that male southern resident orcas stay completely dependent on their mothers feeding them for their entire life has some researchers wondering whether a local 37-year-old man might actually be a beached male orca.
“When we heard this alleged ‘man’ Stuart Smith had not only never hunted for or cooked his own food, but also needed his mommy to cut it up for him and feed it to him well into adulthood, that really caught our attention,” said leading orca researcher Dr. Helena Biggs as she cringed watching the grown man be fed by his mother then kissed straight on the lips. “We further suspected he could actually be a male orca when we heard from some gossipy neighbors that, ever since this mama’s boy’s birth, his mother’s ability to do anything including taking care of herself has been completely upended. I mean’s how’s she supposed to when she needs to compete with those stupid seals for salmon at the Ballard Locks every day? It’s impossible.”
Because most male orcas over the age of 30 die within a year of their mother dying, researchers say they’re worried for the grown man’s wellbeing should anything happen to mother, who many researchers speculate could be a really weird looking orca herself.
“At first glance you’d think these male orcas are so strong and capable, but they seem to have literally none of their own basic survival skills when shit gets real,” said Dr. Biggs. “And you would think Stuart would be fine at this point in his adulthood considering he makes $250,000 a year at Amazon too, but the man has still literally never even boiled an egg in his life and the only thing he’s ever even attempted to microwave is a metal bowl—he would absolutely starve without his mother nearby.”
At press time, orca researchers said they would keep Stuart for the time being with the human population because he seems to be doing okay and because every addition of a male in the southern resident orca population brings them that much closer to extinction.
