Longtime and long-forgotten Downtown Public Storage resident Mildred—who is a stack of mildewed National Geographic magazines waiting for you to make them into a collage—confirmed today that she and the rest of Grandma’s old shit absolutely have the best view in the entire city.
“We had a few of our resident rats pop up out of toilets at the top of Smith Tower, Columbia Center and a few other nearby skyscrapers to compare our window view with theirs, and they said it’s officially undeniable that ours cannot be topped,” said Moishe, Grandma’s moldy old chair as it gazed out at the Great Wheel and shimmering Elliott Bay as the sun went down on a beautiful day. “Once that Viaduct came down, I mean, wow, we knew we couldn’t have asked to spend our years wasting away in a more beautiful location.”
Asked how they haven’t been priced out of their million-dollar view yet, Grandma’s old shit said they had no idea.
“Honestly, I don’t even know how we made it all the way to a Public Storage unit at all instead of a dumpster,” said a dusty cream-colored KitchenAid mixer Grandma got as a gift in 1963 from some chick named Julia Child. “My guess is whoever keeps paying our rent would just literally rather pay anything than sort through us to decide what’s worth keeping and what’s not.”
At press time, claims that everyone’s old shit at the Downtown Public Storage has the best view in the city were reportedly still under investigation by several rats hired by Vine Street Storage.
