Confusion over which disposal bin PCC customers should put their trash came to a head today as Stephen Murphy of Fremont felt suddenly compelled to just stuff his paper coffee cup in his mouth and consume it himself.
“I tried deciphering the rules for each bin and then I just sort of panicked,” said Murphy, brushing a fleck of coffee cup from his stubble. “I had this burrito wrapper that looked like recyclable and I peeled a sticker off it because of the adhesive and decided that was landfill. Because the paper had cheese residue on it, though, I thought maybe the wrapper should go in compost. Then I had to start the whole process over with the coffee cup, but this line of other confused people also disassembling their trash starting forming behind me … next thing you know, I’m wolfing down this 16 oz cup, lid and all. For better or worse, at least I know which receptacle it’s going in now.”
Long dedicated to environmentally friendly packaging and disposal, PCC defended their complex system of trash sorting, stating that their system had been painstakingly tested for optimal results.
“I don’t know how these morons can’t get this straight: We’ve got at least 15 pictures next to each receptacle that clearly indicates in which bin the coffee cups go in,” said Bergamot Fenstrom, Chief Composting Officer for PCC. “There’s even a handy rhyme for it: If the cup is white, it’s a recycler’s delight. If it’s brown, compost it down. If it’s more of an eggshell, it goes to the landfill. And if it’s kind of an earl grey, that’s a reusable cup that’s here to stay. If it’s ivory, you return it to the deli, and if it’s more of a tapioca, well…you get the idea. Is that so hard?”
Murphy was later seen at the hot bar scooping gluten-free biscuits and vegan cashew gravy directly into the palms of his hands in order to avoid any future disposal mishaps.
