A politician took a break from his politics job today to stand outside on the steps of the politics building and chastise citizens asking for a political solution to the latest in an endless string of tragedies plaguing the nation.
“Now is not the time to make this tragedy political,” said the politician, whose sole job is to do politics professionally. “Dealing with this terrible situation is difficult enough without asking me to actually do my job, which is politics. Now some critics say we politicians have been elected to create and pass new laws that could prevent such tragedies, but now’s not the time for that. There will be time for that later, unless of course another tragedy were to inevitably occur—in which case it would be completely inappropriate to make that tragedy political, and we begin the cycle anew.”
In lieu of the politician using their political power to make policy decisions that could actually stop future tragedy, they offered a few non-political solutions instead.
“I know this is a difficult time for this country, but rest assured that a tasteful fundraising email will be arriving in your inbox any minute now,” said the politician. “And if that’s not the soothing salve that this nation needs, I’ll leave you with a few political phrases to comfort your grieving souls: Thoughts and prayers. Consensus. This is not who we are. We can’t allow divisiveness to divide us. Thank you.”
The politician later reached out to Needling reporters to confirm that there was, however, one tragedy that they were willing to make political: the M&M’s cartoon mascots being canceled.
