After weeks of investigating the source of the new COVID subvariant name, Kraken, today epidemiologists at the University of Washington confirmed it definitely came from a Vancouver scientist who grew up with a Henrik Sedin poster on his wall.
“According to our extensive Google Search investigation, this rabid Vancouver Canucks fan’s longtime rivalry with the Calgary Flames just wasn’t enough,” said Dr. Sara McIntyre, UW epidemiologist. “The ravenous hockey fan who studies diseases at the University of British Columbia felt the need to finally get some real shit started with Seattle Kraken by making its team name synonymous with the most transmissible version of COVID the world’s seen yet. I mean, I guess calling it ‘Kraken’ is a little easier than calling it XBB.1.5 or whatever Elon Musk originally named it. But still, I think I speak for the entire science and hockey community in Seattle when I say, WTF, you Canuck?”
As to what made the Vancouver hockey fan so rabid as to create such a devious new subvariant name, Dr. McIntyre said she suspects it may have something to do with the Canucks’ shitty season.
“Canucks fans haven’t had much to look forward to this season, other than messing with the newest team in the hockey league,” Dr. McIntyre said. “We had a feeling this might happen when we saw Fin the Whale mercilessly hunting Buoy around Rogers Arena last month.”
Although there seems to be no way to pull back the transmission of the Kraken subvariant name worldwide at this point, local epidemiologists and public health agencies said they’re doing their best to at least prevent rabid 49er fans from naming the next COVID subvariant after the Seahawks.
