A sparkling stretch of mint-condition Bellevue concrete was tragically trampled today by an as-of-yet unidentified suspect who allegedly destroyed it by actually walking on it.
“We can’t say for sure, but we think the suspect may have fled on-foot, possibly vandalizing many other neighborhood sidewalks with the same set of metatarsal bones before getting away,” said Bellevue Police Department Detective Chase Wilkins, carefully studying potentially incriminating footprints left at the crime scene. “It’s also hard to say what would motivate some pedestrian sicko like this to do such a thing. Is it that hard to instead get around by driving a Tesla 80 mph between each stoplight like everyone else in this usually safe, upstanding community?”
Eastside realtors say they’re panicking about the sudden nosedive in value of the once priceless suburban collector’s item.
“They need to catch this guy fast because if today he’s walking to places on actual sidewalks, what stopping him tomorrow from throwing a glass of white wine on an original Thomas Kinkade painting?” said Windermere realtor Austin Bedford, shaking his head. “I’ll bet whoever this criminal is actually sits in living rooms after his mother decorates them. He’s gotta be stopped and sent back to Seattle where he belongs.”
At press time, detectives believe the pedestrian suspect may be connected to several local crime syndicates including the Microsoft 10k Steps a Day Challenge, King County Metro and Sound Transit.
