With Starbucks closing numerous locations throughout Seattle, including the first that voted to unionize on Dec. 9, an increasing number of local coffee snobs are at a loss as to where they won’t go to get coffee.
“I’d planned our walk out so that we would go past the Olive Way Starbucks and I could roll my eyes, snort with disdain, deliver a withering critique of the quality of the roast, and then turn on Summit for Analog,” said Capitol Hill resident Riley Harr while out to get coffee with a friend. “So, imagine my surprise when the Starbucks was boarded up. I haven’t been this crushed since Seattle’s Best folded and I stopped getting to say, ‘more like Seattle’s worst.’”
Local coffee lovers say they’re also struggling with updating their explanations about why they won’t patronize other nearby coffee chain locations.
“Peet’s—ugghh God no, I’ll tell ya, I’d never drink that stuff because … I’m sorry, can someone from the Bay Area help me out here, please? I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore,” said coffee aficionado and Seattle native Egan Whitely. “At least there aren’t any Dunkin locations left in the entire state that I have to try just to accurately hate them. I just hope we don’t end up with so few shitty cafes in this city that I have to resort to somehow hating Herkimer or Vivace to prove my loyalties to Lighthouse Roasters.”
At press time, local coffee nerds said they were reluctantly preparing to do more precise research on how all coffee drinks served at Dutch Bros Coffee are committing daily taste-bud atrocities.
