In a joint press conference today, the FAA and Vatican confirmed that those selflessly waiting in the Sea-Tac Airport Cell Phone Lot to pick up friends and family have entered a space now officially designated the world’s newest portal to hell.
“We regret to inform those arriving at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport that their loved ones are unable to pick them up or escape from the cell phone lot as they are currently stuck in an eternal loop of damnation and perpetual suffering,” said FAA spokesman Harry Matheson.
SeaTac Guest Services Administrator Claire Wallace suspected the lot’s transformation into a fiery pit of doom was inevitable due to its unlucky combination of few ingress/egress points, poor location, as well as relying on a consultant with previously undiscovered ties to Luciferian sacrificial rites.
“They submitted the lowest bid for the lot, but had we known of the problems it would cause, we probably would have gone with another crew,” Wallace said. “To help those still languishing in the lot, we have a real-time electronic sign which flashes expected wait times for potential escape and, for those still choosing to enter, a sign reading ‘Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.’”
Hundreds left waiting at the curb eventually gave up on their free rides.
“My friend Derrick texted me that he was stuck in the cell phone lot due to a bit of traffic, but would come to Terminal 4 to pick me up ASAP,” said Brody Duncan. “Then his pinned location turned into a flame, so I just assumed the worst Uber-ed instead.”
At this time, the airport’s Guest Services recommends not getting too close to the cell phone lot either.
“Data from our guest satisfaction survey indicates that crevices full of flesh-licking flames and the cries of thousands of screaming, tortured souls can be off-putting to tourists and locals alike. Our best bet at keeping people out of the growing fiery pit of despair really is just more people using the damn light rail, mkay? Happy holidays!”
