In a seemingly inevitable move the city feared was coming all week, today Seattle’s sick toddlers formally announced plans to sneeze in your face sometime before the end of the month.
“We, the Toddler Delegation of Seattle, are formally announcing our plans to sneeze directly into your face today, probably by luring you in by insisting we want to tell you a secret, then launching a blast of snot directly into your open mouth,” said local toddler Parker Robinson, not making any attempt to wipe his dribbling, bright red nose. “We toddlers will then start to feel better just as you fall sick, throwing an ear-shattering tantrum when you are unable to take us to something called the ‘Ice Cream Zoo,’ which isn’t a thing that exists. Finally, we plan to get sick again after licking the slide at the playground, beginning the cycle anew.”
Parker then pulled out an iPad containing the Toddler Delegation’s official five-month roadmap of disgusting initiatives to keep you sick for the foreseeable future.
“As you can see on this chart, we plan to put our sticky fingers on your face 30% more this winter, perhaps by sharing our ages are ‘this many’ before shoving two outstretched fingers into your mouth for no apparent reason,” said Parker, eating a mysterious object he found in the dog’s fur. “Should you attempt to take a break by taking us to daycare, rest assured we will quickly befriend the most disgusting, moist child we can find and introduce several exciting new illnesses into our repertoire.”
The Toddler Delegation later announced plans to barge in your bedroom and announce they ‘frew up’ just as you were attempting to have sex for the first time in months.
