After being given the benefit of the doubt for a full minute that he just had T-Mobile or something, a group of mourners realized today that one funeral attendee was clearly Shazaming during the service.
“For God’s sake, another guy Shazaming in the back row? We play the hits, dude—we aren’t exactly breaking new music on KEXP here,” said Pastor Harry Brooks. “Amazing Grace, Candle in the Wind, maybe Jeff Buckley’s rendition of ‘Hallelujah’: There, I saved you some time. At least he’s not on Tinder like the guy in row three. Side note: Someone should check on that guy. I know everyone grieves differently but he’s swiping right on everybody.”
The man—who reportedly did a disgraceful job disguising his Shazam discovery delight during the widow’s eulogy while walking up closer to the organ player—said he meant no harm.
“I’m sorry, but think of it this way: It’s not him who would have to live the torture of an unknown song stuck in his head for the rest of his life—it’s me,” said Reese Claremont, former co-worker of the dearly departed Clark Buzznickle. “And if I couldn’t find the name of this song so I can add it to my ‘Sad Boy Sundays’ playlist then you might as well have reserved a plot for me next to him because I. Would. Die.”
Although it will come too late to preserve decorum at Mr. Buzznickle’s memorial service , Shazam developers say future mourners can rest assured that they are now working on a new “sensitive mode” that automatically detects and identifies songs played during delicate scenarios like weddings, break ups, and active hostage situations.
