Senior management at local company InnoPixel are celebrating this week after solving a consistent pattern of dissatisfaction among their employees by distributing $5 Starbucks gift cards to everyone on staff.
“For months I’ve been getting complaints about low pay, unrealistic expectations, and our refusal to adapt to humane remote and hybrid work options—but today all that has been swept away by all the positive energy around these gift cards,” said manager Brooks Devonshire. “Some of our employees were so overwhelmed with gratitude that I spotted a few of them crying at their desks.”
The brilliant staff appreciation tactic was the result of weeks of brainstorming and was a godsend when managers were close to resorting to more expensive options like improved health insurance benefits, paid family leave, and cost-of-living raises.
“Starbucks is proud to be the go-to gift card choice for workplace morale improvement, unimaginative Christmas gifts, custom $3.50 gift cards, and generally any other half-assed attempt to act like you value someone,” said Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. “We are also working on technology where if you say the word ‘union’ around the cards they will be permanently deactivated. A great way to make sure the reward only goes to the right kind of employees.”
At press time, the company’s CEO said if everyone works really hard this fall they may even qualify for a pizza party Christmas bonus.
