Your knees are weak, there’s an unmistakable taste of bile in your mouth, and your stomach feels like you’ve just eaten a half-dozen questionable oysters—are you currently in the throes of organ failure, or did you just watch today’s Mariners game? Take our quiz to find out:
Are you still wearing a shoe on your head?
A. Yes, and it’s been tied on pretty tight since Saturday to keep it in place.
B. Not anymore and, honestly, I’m kind of relieved about it being maybe the shortest sports rally superstition ever.
Did you decide to put Robbie Ray in against the Astros in a crucial save situation?
A. Yes, hi I’m Scott Servais and I’m the reason Yordan Alvarez now boasts a staggering .833 batting average against our struggling starter.
B. No, but it still felt like I was having a heart attack witnessing someone else make that decision.
Do you think what happened at the Mariners game today is merely the universe trying to balance itself after what they did to the Blue Jays on Saturday?
A. Yes, because everything happens for a reason.
B. Yes, because everything happens for a reason and that reason is that God hates us.
Do you feel something heavy and constricted in your chest?
A. Yes, I’m currently being tried for witchcraft and just asked for more weight to be applied to my chest. Is that bad?
B. Yes, and it happened right after I really let myself get my hopes up that the Mariners would kick the Astros’ ass today.
Do you feel yourself suddenly choking?
A. Yes, why do I keep letting myself eat sticky rice paper spring rolls so fast? So dangerous and yet so delicious!
B. Yes, suddenly this afternoon while I was playing and/or watching the end of the Mariners game.
Mostly As: You’re likely experiencing organ failure. Get it checked out fast! And, for God sakes, take the shoe off your head already.
Mostly Bs: You’re just a Seattle sports fan suffering from watching the Mariners game today. Don’t worry: Watching the Mariners’ next three games against the Astros should clear everything right up.
