With the future of the nation’s democracy hanging in the balance, Washington state election officials reported at precisely 8:05 p.m. tonight that today’s Senate and House voting results came in too close to night night to call.
“There’s a lot of close mid-terms races out there tonight, including ours which came too close to our 9 p.m. bed-times to call tonight,” said local election official Hank Grey. “The actual races numbers-wise probably aren’t that close as just another 2-3 hours of counting tomorrow will reveal. But that’s no reason for any of us to stay up past our beddie-bye time! Now stop thinking about how close we are to the end of democracy, everyone, and go brush your teeth and night night!”
As results poured in from states across the country that stay up all night tabulating results, Washington state officials assured voters nationwide that the fate of the country was nothing to lose beauty rest over and it can wait for tomorrow.
“Hey now, just like there’s no reason to go above 45 mph in the fast lane, there’s no reason we should stay up even an hour or two later to call a few races millions of people are waiting for us to call,” yawned Grey, slipping on his night cap on a Zoom interview with CNN at 8:50 p.m. “Slow and steady wins the race eventually sometime tomorrow, or Thursday, or next week—whenever we can finish counting before bath time.”
At press time, true election news nuts reported they would instead be staying up all night night.
