As bears reach their most active foraging season to prepare for winter hibernation, park rangers are advising hikers this fall that the most effective way to ward off bears is by loudly announcing the current median price of a house in Seattle.
“Whether it’s caves, dens, or fallen trees, bears are known for their love of cozy home ownership—that’s why nothing scares them more than the prospect of being priced out of their natural habitat,” said local park ranger Brian Anderson. “So, when you’re hiking in bear country, it’s a good habit to loudly announce things like ‘median home prices are up 14% year-over-year’ and ‘the looming recession will only put more homes into the greedy hands of private capital and you’ll be renting forever’ to scare the hell out of the bears and send them scurrying back to the safety of their sylvan lairs.”
Nature-lovers preparing for the fall hiking season welcomed this new method of bear deterrence.
“Huh, I guess what they say is true—bears are just as scared of rising mortgage rates as we are of them,” said avid hiker and perennial renter Tom Boone. “I’m going camping next weekend, so I’ll just keep the RedFin app open on my phone just in case I hear any bears. I should also probably print out some graphs that show housing prices vs. minimum wage over the last 50 years and wrap them around my bear canister to keep the little rascals out of there.”
Park rangers also advised not to bring snacks from Whole Foods on your hike as bears may be more inclined to charge you if they think you’re trying to gentrify their natural habitat.
