Following the long-awaited reopening of the West Seattle Bridge, local scientists were shocked to discover that a lost civilization was thriving in the remote, isolated territory of West Seattle.
“For years we’ve dismissed rumors of a lost civilization living on the other side of the West Seattle Bridge as no more than a folk tale, like Sasquatch or making friends organically in Seattle,” said Albert Prestley, Professor of Anthropology at the University of Washington. “But with the reopening of the bridge, we expect to learn much about our new neighbors from the Lost City of Seattlantis. They appear to be a maritime culture, having built several houses of worship dedicated to the sea called ‘lighthouses’. Also it turns out they’ve had a beach that they’ve been hogging to themselves this whole time, which is kind of rude, but I’m trying not to judge.”
While East Seattleites prepared to flood Alki to enjoy some beach time before summer ended, Prestley warned not to overwhelm the local population too quickly with news of the outside world.
“You have to understand, the citizens of Seattlantis have been isolated for so long that they’ve become a culture frozen in time—do you want to be the one to tell these poor people that Sue Bird retired?” said Prestley. “To them, Russell Wilson is still their quarterback, Jeff Bezos runs Amazon, and Jenny Durkan is—eh, alright we can tell them that last one. My point is, you need to let them down easy, lest they panic and sabotage the bridge so they can keep Harry’s Beach House all to themselves.”
As a gesture of good faith to the city’s new neighbors, the Seattle International Film Festival announced that it would begin accepting foreign films from West Seattle.
